Founder Story: Annie on Parenting, Self-Kindness, and Breaking the Cycle

For many parents, the pressure to “get it right” is overwhelming. For Annie, a lawyer turned children’s author, that pressure began long before she became a mum herself. Growing up in Hong Kong in the 80s, Annie’s childhood was shaped by strict parental expectations, relentless academic standards, and a culture where harsh discipline was normalised.

“My parents had very high expectations which I felt I didn’t meet as a child. They were more strict than supportive, both academically and with extra-curricular activities. I had to learn piano because everyone was, even though I was not talented or interested. I took ballet lessons, and in the end the teacher told my mother that I don’t need to keep attending as I was not good at it. I was not good at maths and made a lot of ‘careless mistakes’. My dad would hit me over wrong questions answers with a 30cm ruler. If my test results came back as 95%, there was never ‘good job’ but what happened to that ‘5%’.”

Corporal punishment was normalised then. Annie recalls being hit with belts, rulers, and bamboo sticks, and notes that, culturally, it didn’t stand out at the time. Yet the scars linger. “To this day though, when I go through the books of my business with my husband / business partner, I still feel the invisible dread of the 30cm ruler. I feel like I will be punished if I get the excel cell wrong and I’m quite defensive at the uptake.”

Choosing a Different Path

The turning point came when Annie found herself repeating the same pattern with her own daughter.

“I am going to be honest here. I hit my eldest daughter when she was about 5 for being ‘naughty’. I had her hold her hand and I smacked it. It felt so wrong. Her little face. The sting on both our hands. And I didn’t understand how my parents could have done that to me again and again. That was when I decided I did not want to parent the way they did.”

Her reflection is complicated by trauma. Annie’s mother passed away in a car accident when Annie was just nine years old. “I was in the car and I survived. As a result, the memories of my childhood are distorted through trauma and loneliness and yearning. So a huge part of the stepping away from my mother’s authoritarian parenting is my healing and seeing my mother from mature lenses.”

Self-Love as a Parenting Practice

For Annie, the antidote to authoritarian parenting is self-love and self-kindness — not just teaching it to her kids, but practising it herself.

“It starts with awareness. Awareness of my own cup – whether it’s full, tired, okay, heavy, over-stimulated. And then asking myself, what do I need? Do I need to take the dog for a walk, put the damn phone down, read a few pages. And then communicate to the kids in a way that they know it’s not their fault. I just need to take 5.”

She recalls a moment with her 8-year-old daughter that left a deep impression. “The other day my 8 year old and I were walking to pick up her sister from after school activities. She asks me, ‘So do you feel like talking?’ I said, ‘sure.’ She says, ‘how was your day?’ It was a very simple interaction but the depth of it floored me.”

Writing the Book She Wanted to Read

When Annie went searching for children’s books, she noticed something missing. “There were countless titles about kindness to others — which is wonderful — but nothing that showed children the importance of being kind to themselves. I thought, this message of kindness, if taught askew, could raise a generation of people-pleasers.”

That gap became the spark for her debut children’s book, The Finch Who Lost Her Wing, illustrated by Laura Bee. The story follows Goldy, a Gouldian Finch who loses her wing and sets off on a journey to find it, believing that helping others might restore what she’s lost. Along the way she meets an ibis with its beak trapped in netting, a wombat stuck in a log, and a cricket ensnared in a spider’s web. Each of these struggles symbolises real challenges children may face — feeling silenced, overwhelmed, or bullied.

Through Goldy’s journey, Annie wanted children to see that true confidence and healing come not just from helping others, but from finding self-love within. “For me, the wing represents Goldy’s confidence or self-esteem. She thought she could find it by looking outwards or helping others. But true confidence lies in self-love.”

The book has already struck a chord with families, educators, and children alike. It’s whimsical and heartfelt, but also practical — offering a way to start conversations at home or in the classroom about feelings, resilience, and self-worth. Or, as Annie tells her own children, “Feelings are like farts — you have to let them out, otherwise you’ll get a tummy ache.”

The Finch Who Lost Her Wing is available now where all good books are sold and at anniekwan.com.

Passing Self-Kindness On

Her children have taken naturally to the message woven through her work. “Self-kindness and self-love is so natural to them. It is innate. It’s as obvious as saying to them, ‘guess what? The sky is blue.’ I believe that mostly children have that in them. We don’t need to create this for them. They have it in the bag! We just need to remind and nurture them. That’s why for me, authoritarian parenting styles work against self-love because it’s fear-based.”

Reparenting Herself Along the Way

Of course, unlearning an entire cultural model of parenting hasn’t been easy. “To put it simply – I had to first reparent myself. And to drop that ego. For example. My mother had me play piano because everyone is doing it. For me, I tried to see what my kids are good at and what they are drawn to. And from there put in the practise and efforts. Do I still have to nag them to practise their musical instrument of choice? 100%.”

Balancing Professional Life with Motherhood

As a lawyer, author, and mother, Annie is the first to admit the juggle is real. “It’s like a multi-vitamin! ‘Take it one day at a time’ is always a good one. Have a supportive partner, and your village of school mum friends. It’s not easy. The balance feels precarious most days. Always remember there is no ‘perfect mental health’.”

What She Wants Parents to Take Away

Looking back at her own childhood, Annie is clear about the message she hopes her story sends. “Based on my childhood – I would have liked to feel more seen as a child.”

And for parents feeling the pressure to push their kids toward traditional ideas of success? “Success is a long game. It comes in many forms and its own trajectories. My take is that resilience is an important quality to build alongside success. The foundation of resilience is self-love, which children already possess and mirror back through their parents in their formative years.”

Looking Ahead

Annie is already thinking about what’s next. “I have been working on a novel for years. I’m forever in first draft. Children’s book wise, I would like to write stories to explore jealousy/envy and grief. My kids want to collab a story about Jasper our cat who behaves like a dog. They want to take photos and draw and be the illustrator. My eldest daughter hasn’t forgiven me for engaging Laura Bee for The Finch who lost her wing!”

Her story is one of resilience, reflection, and rewriting the narrative — for herself, for her children, and for the parents reading her work.