In Conversation with Lauren Novak: Why So Many Mothers Are Angry And Why We Need to Start Talking About It

For Lauren Novak, author of Meltdown: Why motherhood makes us angry and what to do about it and Social Policy Editor at News Corp South Australia, the breaking point didn’t come from a single dramatic moment. It came from toilet training. The kind that stretches on for months, where nothing feels predictable, controllable or resolved. “It was toilet training that broke me,” Lauren says. “The relentless, unpredictable, uncontrollable rollercoaster of toilet training.” One day, after yet another attempt to get one of her kids to use the toilet, she felt a surge of rage she could no longer dismiss. “The occasional outburst had turned into a constant bad mood, zero patience and a permanently short fuse. It wasn’t the kind of parent I wanted to be.”

Lauren was doing what mothers are told to do when emotions run high. Deep breaths. Counting. Pausing before reacting. But those strategies weren’t enough. “I realised I was going to have to try something different,” she says. What followed was not just personal reckoning, but the beginning of a much bigger conversation.

The Anger No One Wants to Name

At first, Lauren assumed what she was feeling was a personal failure. Then she began to talk to other mums, carefully at first, and discovered something startling. Almost everyone felt the same way. When she later surveyed more than 200 mothers while researching Meltdown, only four said they didn’t experience anger in motherhood at all. “Once I started talking rather than yelling about it, I realised almost every mum I knew was secretly raging too,” she says.

Despite how common it is, maternal anger remains deeply taboo. “Despite being a common emotion, anger has a bad reputation,” Lauren explains. Women are far more comfortable admitting to anxiety or depression, emotions that feel socially acceptable. “Women are more comfortable presenting with depression or anxiety. That’s far more palatable. But to be angry or to display rage or fury … no.” Anger is often associated with aggression, judgement and danger, particularly when children are involved. “If we open up about our anger then we open ourselves up to judgement and the terrifying possibility that someone may deem us an unfit parent.”

As a result, many mothers soften the language. They say irritated instead of angry. Frustrated instead of furious. “Anger also isn’t a particularly sympathetic emotion,” Lauren says. “If we’re sad or worried we might receive sympathy and support, but anger tends to provoke judgement or push people away.” The unspoken message to mothers is clear. Anger is not an emotion you’re supposed to feel, and if you do, you’re meant to feel guilty about it.

Anger as a Signal, Not a Failure

One of the most powerful reframes in Meltdown is the idea that anger isn’t something to suppress, but something to listen to. “The experts I interviewed all agreed that, in the context of motherhood, anger is usually triggered by an unmet need,” Lauren explains. That need might be sleep, support, fairness, time alone or feeling heard. “Anger is usually trying to tell us something is wrong, that we are facing an injustice or a threat.”

The challenge is recognising those signals before they erupt. For Lauren, reflection revealed clear patterns. “Being sleep deprived and never having any time on my own were at the root of a lot of my meltdowns,” she says. But that insight didn’t come overnight. “It took me years to shift from reflecting only after a blow up to recognising the signs as the tension was building.”

In Meltdown, Lauren introduces a practical framework designed to help mothers do exactly that. It focuses on Awareness, analysing triggers, Asking for help, Automating tasks to reduce load, and Axing the guilt that stops women from meeting their own needs. It’s not about becoming calmer overnight, but about understanding what the anger is pointing to.

Matrescence and the Identity Shift No One Warns You About

Anger in motherhood often intersects with a deeper emotional shift known as matrescence, the transition into motherhood. Much like adolescence, it involves profound physical, emotional and psychological change. “There are some immediate and obvious changes,” Lauren says. “Our bodies morph, our sleep is broken, our routines change, our homes look different and others see us in a new light.” But the harder part comes later. “Who even was I now? Was I completely beholden to another person? Would I ever be alone again? Would I one day get back to how I used to be?”

Lauren says many mothers grieve their former freedom without realising it. “If we don’t take time to acknowledge the shift, then the grief can breed frustration, resentment and anger.” Loving motherhood and mourning parts of your former self can coexist, but mothers are rarely given permission to hold both truths.

When ‘Calm’ Becomes Another Impossible Standard

Modern parenting culture has layered new pressure onto already overloaded mothers. Gentle parenting has introduced valuable ideas around emotional regulation, but it has also created unrealistic expectations. “This pressure to always be chill can create just another trigger for mum rage,” Lauren explains, especially when mothers feel they’re failing to meet the standard.

Sydney-based sociologist Dr Sophie Brock refers to this as the anger guilt trap. “We beat ourselves up for not being good enough, we get frustrated and angry, then we feel guilty about getting angry, so we double down on trying to meet those unmeetable standards.” The cycle repeats. Recognising these pressures for what they are can help mothers understand that their anger is often a reasonable response to an unreasonable load.

Writing a Book That Feels Like a Companion, Not a Lecture

Lauren was intentional about how Meltdown would feel in a reader’s hands. “Anger in motherhood can be hard to talk about. That’s the whole reason I wrote Meltdown,” she says. The book had to be accessible, warm and sometimes even funny. “Sometimes the situations that lead to a mum meltdown can actually be funny in hindsight because it can be something completely absurd that pushes us over the edge.”

While the book doesn’t shy away from serious consequences when anger goes unaddressed, it’s structured so readers can move at their own pace. “Mums experience mum rage on a spectrum,” Lauren explains. Sections can be skipped if they feel too confronting in the moment. The aim is reassurance, not overwhelm.

What Mothers Say When the Conversation Finally Opens

One of the biggest surprises for Lauren has been how quickly connection happens once the topic is named. “There is always a noticeable pause whenever I raise the subject,” she says, “and then I’ll hit on an anecdote and someone will say, ‘Oh me too!’” Many assume mum rage is directed at children, but Lauren is quick to clarify that it’s rarely about the kids. “It’s all the other stuff. The interruptions, the housework, the paid work, the planning, the negotiating, the guilt.”

What Lauren Hopes Every Mother Feels After Reading Meltdown

When Lauren asked the women who contributed to Meltdown what they wanted most from a book like this, the answer was simple. They wanted to know they weren’t alone. “I hope she feels seen,” Lauren says. “I can’t promise that by the time they finish the book all their problems will be fixed. But I hope they’ll see that feeling this way doesn’t make them a bad mum.”

And if there’s one thing she wishes would change in how we respond to angry mothers, it’s this. “When in the history of telling someone to calm down has it actually worked?” Instead of judgement, Lauren believes support should look like compassion, practical help and someone stepping in. “There’s a reason she’s losing the plot. Take something off her plate. That will bring the temperature down far more than unsolicited advice.”

Meltdown: Why motherhood makes us angry and what to do about it is available now. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, short-fused or quietly ashamed of your anger as a mum, this book offers reassurance, insight and the permission to stop carrying it alone. This isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about understanding what you need, and finally giving it a voice.